All I want for Xmas is a Frontal Lobotomy

Published in blunt magazine volume 11 issue 10

It's that time again. A time when cardboard cutouts of a certain disturbingly inebriated looking dirty old man adorn shop windows, a time when the sound of tantruming brats in desperate need of some rough love parenting violate your eardrums to bleeding point, a time when every member of your family tree right down to the last wilting leaf feels the need to squash around one dinner table. That's right folks it's Christmas!

God! No! Please! Make the carols stop!

There are few days in the year I despise more than Christmas. Maybe it's the fact that I'm not a particularly family orientated person, maybe it's because I already own enough socks, boxers and unmentionables than a Woolworths, Edgars and Mr Price store combined, or maybe it's because Father Christmas sodomised me with a candy cane when I was 12. Who knows what the reason is.

Christmas as we know it today is so far removed from it's origin to refer to it in any form of the religious sense seems as ridiculous as referring to Soli Philander as a heterosexual male. So strategically sidestepping the religious connotations, the basic gist of the festive season is to love your fellow man, let bygones be bygones and a whole lot of other hippie crap no one actually gives a toss about. For many this is the single most important day on the whole calendar. These people are materialistic, superficial and more often than not under 12.

An obese drunkard who rides a flying sleigh pulled by magical reindeer. Crackers that contain little plastic cheap shit choking hazards that will no doubt at some point have to be heimliched from an orally fixated youth. Whose traditions are these anyway? Not mine that's for sure. Thanks but no thanks, keep your stinking retail holiday. Just hand me a case, some artery clogging takeaways and leave me the hell alone.

The only redeeming factor being that at the end of the day when everyone is passed out facedown on the living room couch, doped up on cold meat offcuts and alcohol and it's all over at least it's another whole year before you have to go through it all over again.