Man-ovaries

Published in blunt magazine volume 12 issue 1



Can somebody please for the love of all things emo tell me what is up with the increasing trend of male displays of pussiness these days? You'd be hardpressed to find an alternative rock video that doesn't feature grown men wearing eyeliner and crooning songs of unrequited love so embarrassingly pathetic they'd make a Mills & Boon reader blush. How on earth did it come to this? Forget your convaluted conspiracy theories about female hormones in our drinking water. No, there is but one thing to blame and that my friend are romcoms. That's right, they are invading our homes and emasculating the male population one by one, replacing their testicles with a nice set of man-ovaries and rendering them snivelling and pathetic.

Man tears: So gay they make man on man anal look hetero

Why just the other day my gag reflex control was pushed to new limits when I watched Zach Braff commit an act of suicide-enducing embarrassment in an attempt to win back the heart of his recently estranged ex. Only in Hollywood can they make a lying, cheating scumbag stalking his ex-girlfriend by starving himself on her front porch for days on end in the pouring rain until she agrees to take him back seem "romantic". Picture if you will, that scenario in real life... that is not romance, I'm sorry but it's not. That is just sad. And if you add a bottle of Jack to the equation well then it's sad AND scary, but don't worry ladies, it's nothing that your friendly neighbourhood ADT and a restraining order can't fix.

"Little pig, little pig let me in."

But just what exactly is the demographic for this kind of oestrogen-soaked schlock? Who actually buys into this crap? Fat girls who eat their feelings? Desperate spotty-faced virgins who mistaken their lack of a sex life for hopeless romanticism and a deep sensitivity? I won't go so far as to suggest a feminist plot to reduce the male population to docile puppy dogs but one really has to worry when the strongest role models a guy can find on film today are all women. Forget restricting sex, language and violence, it's time we start censoring the real mind warper - emo!