All Age Rage

Published in blunt magazine volume 11 issue 5

Picture the scene: You arrive at your local live music venue amped for a wild night of bands, booze and babes. As you near the entrance the overexcited chattering of drunken underage teenies becomes increasingly apparent. The majority of the rowdy mob fighting their way to the front of the queue not even collectively in possession of enough pubic hair to knit a hamster's scarf.

You pay your fee and make your way through the seething underage mass to the bar only to realise that your desire to enjoy the simple pleasures of a live aural assault while getting ridiculously fall down drunk has been thwarted by the annoying inconvenience of beer / brat segregation. Like human cattle you're herded into a designated drinking kraal where you're to stay until such time as you're willing to sacrifice your love of liquid musings for your love of live music. This is not what you signed up for, everybody knows that alcohol and live music go together like hookers and syphilis. Watching a band without an ice cold brain buster in your hand is like sex without a penis.

Temporarily subdued by your beerlust you forget this gross injustice, make your way to the bar counter and attempt to purchase some inhibition-numbing liquids only to discover that the bar is in fact not accepting cash. Not only have you been banished to the beer zone but now they expect you to purchase alcohol tickets as well?! Welcome to the wonderful world of all ages gigs! And that's not to mention the deceptively mature femme fatales ready to ensnare the judgment impaired inebriates in potentially sticky situations. Call it chauvinistic but as an all ages gig frequenting heterosexual male this is a genuine concern and with the rate at which some girls are growing up (and out) these days there's just no accurate way of judging numerical advancement anymore.

It's for reasons like these that I feel it is my duty to bring about the dawning of an all ages gigs prohibition. These pubeless pre-pubescent rascals have crashed the party for long enough now and it's time someone pulled the rug from under these rugrats' feet.