The not-so-Jolly Green Giant

Published in blunt magazine volume 12 issue 3



They say that love conquers all but in reality it is actually the steroid-popping, alcoholic, bastard brother of love more commonly known as jealousy that truly does the job. Like love suffering a serious Tik addiction this emotional yin to the yang of it's better half knows no boundaries. Cupid might be packing arrows but jealousy answers back with an almighty kick to the face with a steel toed boot. For you see, envious rage rushes in where that fat baby angel archer fears to tread. There is no cheapshot too low or act too pathetically sad for a man who sees green, but what can you really expect from an emotion marinaded in insecurity? The emotional incarnation of an iron-pumping steroid freak pussy who willfully endures the dangers of a facial hernia in the desperate attempt to distract from his freakishly tiny pecker.

However in a time when divorce is just about as rampant as the crime in this country, the sacred vows of marriage holding less weight than the Olshon twins combined and the average marriage being about as successful as Paris Hilton's music career, if there is one relationship glue that holds couples together it is this very same green eyed beast of jealousy. 'Cos let's face it, once that last butterfly has flown the intestinal coop and the warm fuzzies have turned to a tepid indifference there really is precious little left besides nauseating familiarity and the deep, dark walls of the rut you're in. To believe in everlasting love is about as childish as believing in Father Christmas or that crossdressing winged pervert gay dentist, the Tooth Fairy.

Jealousy makes you nasty.

Christ, I for one would be hardpressed to think of a gesture quite so flattering or god damn sexy as having 2 crazy hair-pulling bitches fight over the love and affection of yours truly! They don't even have to be hot! It's when the jealousy stops that one needs to become concerned with the state of their spousal affairs... or rather with the affair that their spouse is probably having! I for one can only dream of the day I catch my lady friend poring frantically over my inbox or phonebook in the hope of discovering that one forgotten breadcrumb of infidelity, because believe me when I tell you that nothing says "I love you" quite like your significant other stalking your every move.