When I received an invitation to represent blunt at the Sexpo 2008 I really had no idea of just quite what to expect but I certainly had a couple of fantasies of my own. In my mind a sexpo should be like a sex-themed adult amusement park, one in the vein of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. A place so riddled with all things sex that it penetrates your every orifice, enough to give your eyes an erection, your brain an orgasm and make your nose ejaculate. but sadly much to my dismay and much to the dismay of the hordes of dirty old men who had somehow all taken "wrong turns" on the way to that all-important "business lunch" their wives were under the impression they were attending, Amsterdam red light district this was not! First off let me start by saying that in the 3 days that I was there I saw a grand total of 3 sets of jugs, 3 muffs and 1 penis, and that penis didn't even have the decency to be erect. Frankly I'm appalled. What is this country coming to when a so called "sexpo" barely boasts enough poon to shake a dick at?
For those of you who didn't get a chance to poke your head inside, esentially the whole affair was designed as a platform for various sex pushers from around the country to peddle their wares, some of which were cleverly disguised in the form of educational workshops on such essential topics as the ins and outs of sex toys and the joys of anal sex - fun for the whole family! The bigwigs of the porn industry all represented including Hustler, Adult World and Los Lyf to name but a few. The latter of whom called for a last minute cancellation of their scheduled striptease act when upon catching a glimpse of the intended female entertainment realised that they were in fact "grot ugly". Quite clearly sobriety is a motherfucking bitch.
Ooh that's gotta hurt!
One of the Hilights came in the form of the oh so tight, oh so snackable Sexpo M.C., Miss Nude Australia, Arianna Starr who ironically enough was actually clothed more often than not. At just over 5ft this tightly compact little cock puppet really is the kind of thing wet dreams are made of, it's just a pity about that Australian accent. However, with a character larger than life and bossoms to match she did a great job of attempting to work the crowd into a sexually deprived frenzy. A job verging on the impossible as most were far more interested in commiting their sexperience to digital history on the various voyeur-sized devices that littered the crowd rather than participating in any kind of team spirited enthusiasm.
The second hilight and clearly a crowd favourite was a penis. A penis attached to none other than self-proclaimed "world's greatest penile artist" Pricasso. Certainly a clever dick in the very highest sense of the term Mr Pricasso has cornered the rather niche market of painting portraits with his pecker. Those quick to laugh him off as an attention seeking senile old git should know that he quite possibly possesses more artistic talent in his cock alone than most people have in their entire body. This somewhat novel ability affords Mr P the luxury of being able to spend his twilight years touring the world, doodling with his dick and making a whackload doing it. Surely a far sweeter option over even the finest of retirement villages or granny flats known to man. Let this hard working cocksmith be an inspiration to us all.
Pricasso hard at work.
All in all the Sexpo 2008 experience was a great if slightly tamer than expected one. While I would hardly consider myself a connoisseur of the porn world, I do have a penis and I know what it likes. And what this little event really needs is a lot more rude and far less prude!
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