The Ex Factor

Everybody is somebody's ex. Unless you are a serial statutory rapist who only "dates" 12 year olds, or are a masochist prepared to restrict yourself to the fugly bitches of the scoring world then you can be certain that at some point in time prior to your current sacred and oh so special union, the object of your affection was once the bed buddy of another man. Like it or not some greasy chump has had his busy hands all over that shit - your precious little angelface babycakes, the one who declares her undying love as she gently tongues your balls at night.

This girl has no exes.

This girl probably does.

Juggling the ex / current boyfriend dynamic is a tricky and potentially volatile thing to do and needs to be handled with extreme caution. However you need to face facts that at some point in your shitty little life you're gonna come face to face with your predecessor. When this happens, like a dog marking it's territory, you may be tempted to "lift leg" all over your lady friend. Believe me when I say this is most unadvisable as not only is it messy but the last thing you wanna be doing is flashing your manhood around THAT guy. Just because SHE says it's as big as a baby's forearm does not make it true. Personally I would recommend a more anonymous and cowardly (and deadly) form of attack, like a letter bomb - just don't go putting the return to sender address on the back!!

"This shit be mine yo"

What you also need to realise is that as the usurper the ex is just as, if not more wary of you than you of it. You see current squeeze is the natural enemy of the ex, this is because to ex the current boyfriend represents an upgrade - a walking reminder of all the things they are not. I mean what did you honestly expect shit for brains? she broke up with you so she could go out with someone uglier, fatter, less intelligent, less witty and more of a loser? That you were just far too much man for the likes of her? Get real shitface. But if for some reason he is not, if for some reason he's a pasty faced tub of lard, I'd be willing to put my penis on the chopping block that he's loaded.

Sure he may be loaded, but it's his great sense
of humour and killer body that really drives girls wild

Overinflated bank balances aside the only time someone would ever trade down instead of up in the relationship stakes is if they were recently on the receiving end of a dumping. In which case it's quite natural and perfectly normal for the dumpee to go in search of some "relationship mouthwash" - the first available thing with genitals and a pulse to get the taste of this failed affair out of their mouth. The turnover time for this kind of thing? Roughly 17 hours. Given the state of the self esteem at a time like this, choices made while drunk on rejection are often... how do you say, "questionable". Some people sugarcoat such embarrassingly poor acts of judgement and desperation by calling it a "rebound" but I prefer to call a spade a shovel and say it's nothing more than a validation fuck. You've just been dumped, you feel hideously unattractive, what better way to mend your crippled self-esteem than to prove to yourself (and probably all your friends on Facebook as well via countless status updates) that you are still able to dupe a member of the opposite sex into sexual relations WITHOUT the involvement of monetary exchange. You go girl!!

After Sonny Bono gave her the slip Cher's standards really went to shit

No matter what the state of your mental health if you're saving up souvenirs from a relationship gone by like they're ingredients for a voodoo doll, a lock of his hair or the used condom from the first time you had sex, you need to get a grip. Or rather you need to loosen your grip on the life you once had. It's also generally accepted best practice to avoid a blow by blow account of your entire sexual past. And yes when I say blow by blow I do mean blowjob by blowjob. This includes such intricate details as cock sizes, sexual picadilos, and I think it goes without mention that slides, home videos and hand drawn diagrams are out of the question. They're not buying a car here. They don't need to see the full "service history", if you catch my drift.

"Oh and that's Brian... he was my first anal... I couldn't walk straight for a week!"

At the end of the day dealing with any aspect of an ex relationship when in a new one is much like dealing with alcohol and handguns, it really is in the best interests of everyone to keep them as far apart as possible.