Stringless Flings are Dangerous Things

Published in blunt magazine volume 11 issue 7

Fact of life #172: There is no such thing as no-strings attached nookie. Thinking you can get away with regular consequence-free action is as ridiculous as planting a beer can and expecting a brewery to grow, it's just never gonna happen. But oh what a tangled web we weave when we are naive enough to believe. Sure you might think you have an understanding but chicks are like car guards, they expect change, and mark my words just one round with your penisaurus rex is all it takes.

The term "friends with benefits" is one of the more subtle ways for describing a mutually bone-eficial arrangement such as this which is really nothing more than sugarcoated arrogance roughly translating to, "You'll do for now but I know that I can do better so I don't wanna commit until I actually meet someone that I'm not embarrassed to admit I'm sleeping with". Could you be anymore insulted? Well presumably apart from the regular raunchy rendezvous these "benefits" include reservation of the right to vehemently deny your acquaintance at will let alone admit to any kind of bodily fluid exchange, so yes I guess you could be more insulted.

In theory the idea is a great one - friends by day, snarling twin-backed beast of the sheets by night, but where there's sex emotion is never far off and the scales of coitous consequenceless won't stay balanced for long. Indubitably at some point human emotion will enter the equation and tear this sex pact asunder. However, emotional ramifications aside surely such lewd behaviour will only serve to make one lazy for the hunt. I mean why go out fishing when there's Something Fishy just a phone call away? Sure you might land a catch but is it really worth all that extra effort? A question of convenience over cuisine.

Perhaps it's nothing more than glorified prostitution but why endure such mental anguish for what is essentially nothing that a little "quality time" with yourself can't take care of? You were given two hands now put them to use and save the good stuff for someone who is more than just a sex aid with a pulse.